Listen, I am straight, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on other guys’ looks. But I am an expert on basketball and I am an expert on life. So when I say that Pau Gasol is the ugliest man on Earth, you know its just as true as the sky being blue, the grass being green, or
Hat Guy looking like a pokeball after spring break. He HAS to know he’s ugly, right? Or maybe he doesn’t. Maybe in Spain, having matted hair, disgusting beards, and a face that looks like a scarecrow is attractive. Keep in mind women don’t shave their armpits in Spain either. Spain is just full of weird fucks. He’s probably normal over there. He’s lucky he wasn’t born as an ancient Greek, or his infant ass would’ve been the first baby rejected and thrown off the cliffs. Perhaps being ugly is just a part of Spain’s culture over there. Kind of like how in China they eat dog. Well listen up Pau, you’re in the USA now. Home of the free and land of good taste in people’s looks. The only women you see with unshaved armpits in the USA are the……….wait, nevermind, you DON’T SEE ANY. Yao Ming came over from China, and you don’t see him shoveling dog meat down his throat. You gotta adapt to the culture. When in Rome, do as Romans do. In America, do as we do or you will be sucking dick for a living, working in the lawn & garden section at Wal-Mart, just like those other “legal” immigrants who didn’t want to adapt to our culture. Pau needs to adapt to our culture and make a serious effort to stop being ugly. Anyone who says otherwise are communists. Because if I’ve said it once then I’ve said it a million times, I could take a huge shit right now, and half of the turds floating in the toilet would be better looking than this ugly Spaniard fuck.
Normally, it isn’t possible for teams with a player as ugly as Pau Gasol to win an NBA Championship. It just doesn’t happen. He is ugly to the point that it is detrimental to his basketball talent. It’s like when you hear about those studies on how better looking people succeed more in life. This is because better looking people are better at doing useful things. Ugly people are good at doing worthless things. That’s why good looking people are celebrities and ugly people play World of Warcraft. Its natural selection with a twist; we’ll call it social selection. Pau Gasol is the posterboy for this. He COULD’VE been good, but he chose to be ugly instead. You can’t do both. That’s why I was so shocked when the Lakers won it all. When the final buzzer sounded and I looked at the score, I literally spit out my coffee, and I wasn’t even drinking any. I guess every dog has his day, even if that dog happens to be Pau Gasol. By the way, if Pau Gasol was in fact a dog, he would be so ugly that the dog you see above would look like an American Kennel Club champion pure breed compared to Dog Pau.
As if being ugly just wasn’t enough for Pau, the way he plays basketball is even more sickening. And I don’t mean sickening as in “Mayne, check out dat crossova!!! He be makin all da otha niggas on da court look like sum mulley ass jamokes!! Dat balla iz ILL!!” I mean sickening as in I want to puke when I see him play. He is a typical European athlete. He flops all over the place and pretends to get hurt and whatnot so he can fool the referee into calling a foul. I swear one time when he was flopping especially dramatically, I saw up his shorts and got a great shot of his vagina. It looked as loose as the sleeve of a wizard’s robe. Watching Pau Gasol try and draw a foul is like watching old people fuck. I’d rather masturbate with sandpaper than watch him play basketball. He isn’t even playing basketball out there. Its fucking soccer. You wanna know why Americans aren’t interested in soccer? It’s because every 5 minutes of a soccer game a player will get kicked in the knee and then roll around on the ground holding his face or his elbow. It’s such bullshit. Can you imagine if a football player rolled around on the ground pretending to be hurt? They would immediately rip off his jersey and pads and hand him a cheerleading outfit and a tampon. But that is exactly what this ugly-ass European flopping cocksucker Pau Gasol plays like. I guarantee Pau Gasol does not have a wife. Because no amount of money could make up for his hideous looks and playing style. He couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse carrying a bag full of bananas. If my beloved hometown of Kansas City ever got an NBA franchise here and we acquired Pau Gasol in free agency, I would move to the arctic tundra and live the rest of my life as a blubber eating, ice fishing nomad, become one with the Eskimos, and get my ballsack transplanted onto my face, because I would STILL beat Pau Gasol in a beauty contest 183 times out of 100.
P.S. In the spirit of competition, I have put together the first annual NBA All-Ugly Team. If you don’t know who some of these players are, you can Google Image them, but you may need to turn off safesearch as Google may think that some pictures of these guys are so ugly that they are inappropriate for children:
Center: (ALSO UGLIEST/BIGGEST PUSSY) Pau Gasol – No brainer. Even has an ugly NAME. Pau? Is that Paul, but ugly version? Who knows. Lame joke. Fuck Spain.
Power Forward: Joakim Noah - Looks like a tall bearded lady. Also played at Florida,
Tim Tebow’s alma mater. Unlike Tebow, God didn’t like Joakim, so he made him look hideous.
Small Forward: Adam Morrison- OH MY GOD. WHERE IS CHRIS HANSON?!? SEXUAL PREDATOR ON THE LOOSE!!! But comon, man. I could grow a better mustache than this guy when I was in middle school. Seriously, I could. I hit puberty in like 1st grade.
Shooting Guard: Manu Ginobli- durka durka durka I have a massive bald spot durka durka durka
Point Guard: Steve Nash – Great player, love the guy. But he looks like a female burn victim.
P.P.S. What would a KC basketball team even be called? And how likely would it be that they went 0-82 for a few seasons?
I am sure everyone remembers Danny Almonte or whatever that dumb mexicans name was that faked his age in the little league world series. That kid was at least striking bitches out. This 21 year old doucher named Julious Threatts made himself seem 13 to play for a middle school pee wee football team. What the fuck? Now I am sure everyone has read up to this point thinking "This kid is pathetic but im sure he had badass offers from colleges left and right. Wrong. This dumbass faked scholarship offers from USC, Florida, and Texas. I mean I know that once you turn 12 all black people are the same because they buy those damn tall tees so they never need to buy clothes again, but who is this hoodrat fooling. 
