P.S. The footnotes and underlines are there because we had to include certain figures of speech and whatnot so ignore them.
We’ve all been there before. You are rushing to be somewhere where of course your punctuality actually matters this time and of course you have waited until the last minute before leaving. You are racing down the streets at 10 miles per hour over the speed limit and then all of the sudden, the worst thing possible in the world happens[1]: you get stuck behind an elderly driver. I cannot describe how many times this has happened to me. I cannot describe how annoying it is when a dried up raisin driving a thirty five year old station wagon is going 20 miles per hour under the speed limit and you cannot pass them. I cannot describe[2] how badly I want to just rear-end them: sure my car would get some damage, but at least maybe they would go a little faster if they were just given a little “push.”
Go out on the road today and you will find all kinds of drivers: tall drivers, short drivers, fat drivers, thin drivers, mad drivers, tired drivers, happy drivers, experienced drivers, new drivers, teen drivers, taxi drivers, truck drivers, tiny drivers, timid drivers, tacky drivers, terrible drivers[3], man drivers, woman drivers, drunk drivers, blind drivers, paraplegic drivers, sleeping drivers[4] and more. But there is one driver that is worse than all other kinds, and that is the OLD DRIVER. It is pure torture driving behind an old driver. If I had the choice between driving behind an 80 year old lady in a no passing zone for 20 miles or being executed by the electric chair, I would ask, “where do you plug it in?” Now, most people probably wonder why these senior citizens drive as fast as a little kid on a tricycle.[5] Thankfully, after endless hours of thought and reasoning, I have concluded that senior citizens are mad at the world because they aren’t given enough social security, and because they are so weak and dusty they have become powerless, so they have decided to join together and drive really slowly, just to piss everyone off. They’ll stay in the left lane at all times, and they’ll have their blinker on all the time. I am certain this is done to create a false sense of hope for the frustrated driver behind them. “Maybe they’ll turn at this spot. Oh great. They didn’t. Oh, they’re going to turn at this one. Ahh, they didn’t do that either.” If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, a senior citizen’s primary goal is to ruin everyone else’s day, just because their days are fading away. As likely and accurate as that sounds, some crazy people may not agree with me. So I have also cooked up a second hypothesis. My second, and much less probable[6], hypothesis is that old people have lost their reflexes and reaction times and consequently choose to not drive as quickly for the sake of their own safety. Like I said, pure blasphemy. All of these elderly, and all other people in general, are wayyyy too worried about their well-being. Nobody, especially old folks, want to take a risk anymore. They all think that if you drop a cracker on the ground and then eat it, you are a disgusting being who is bound to get Chlamydia and die from eating it. Then there are the people who worry that diet cola drinks have an ingredient that could cause cancer if you consume it too much. Listen, our bodies were meant to adapt. We can drink excessive amounts of alcohol and be perfectly fine after a good hangover. We could drink an energy drink, loaded with God knows what kinds of crazy poisons and be fine. Listen, we could drink gasoline if we wanted to and be fine[7], if it weren’t so damn expensive. If I was a senior citizen, my health would be the last of my worries. I would be driving like a maniac! I don’t have much time left on Earth before I dissolve into the wind, so why not make the most of it? If you were a 95 year old, would you rather quietly and peacefully leave the world by dying of natural causes? I wouldn’t. I would be driving 40 over the speed limit and leave behind an 80 car pileup as I ascended into heaven. I don’t know why more old people don’t think like me.
Now, I am not just roasting elderly drivers for no reason. There is a serious reason to think about creating a driving age limit law. Just like there is a minimum driving age of 16, I feel there should also be a maximum driving age. Not only for their safety, but also for the safety of people around them. In 2003, an 83 year old man name George Weller lost control of his car and plowed through a Santa Monica market, killing ten people and injuring dozens. In 2005, a 99 year old woman drove THE WRONG WAY on an interstate highway in Wisconsin and ended up in a head on collision with a semi truck. She was killed and the truck driver was severely injured. Her license wasn’t up for renewal until 2006.[8] As much fun as it may be to poke fun of senior citizens and their lack of driving abilities, it is also a serious issue that the government should address. So the next time you are stuck behind a station wagon and you see a little white poof of hair peering over the dashboard, just know that they are a dangerous breed of human being and you should stay far, far away from these harmless-looking minions driving their metal deathtraps known as station wagons.
[1] Hyperbole
[2] Anaphora
[3] Alliteration
[4]Antistrophe
[5] Simile
[6] Irony
[7] Hyperbole
[8] http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Insurance/InsureYourCar/TooOldToDrive.aspx
