Petition to ban Rainforest Cafe from poisoning my life any longer

Ok so I realize that fraterberry and I blog about alot of stupid shit and rant quite often. But seriously this may the most important post of all time. Rainforest Cafe is hands down the worst restaurant on planet earth. And probably second worst anywhere else in the galaxy. Heres a few reasons why.

For one the food blows dick. Not in the Jenna Jameson hot way, but in the Susan Boyle fucked up way. Don't know who Susan Boyle is? Google her. Shes the bitch that is in jail now for killing people on spot for seeing her. Cankles for miles. Anyways, the food is straight up awful. Who likes the food at Rainforest Cafe? Literally no one. You go their for the atmosphere, which I won't lie is promising at first. Until you taste the food and realize you might as well fly to the actual rainforest and eat frog shit because youll pay alot less for it and still get the same thing. 15 dollars for dinosaur shaped chicken fingers?I am not paying 15 dollars for chicken fingers unless their shaped like Jesus' dick and Mary Magadalenes tits.

Another thing that really pisses me off is that when a parent finally musters up the courage to enter into what she knows will be a horrible night at the Rainforest Cafe, it ends up during into a 24 hour affair. If you have claim you have entered this disgusting bomb shelter and left within a calender year then I will hit you in the nuts and abort all your children because thats bullshit. You know what? I want a fucking job at the Rainforest Cafe because I know I will get paid 8 bucks and hour to act like I am working. No one ever gets food on time. Never. The only reason this place is still in business is because retarded children bitch at their dumbass parents to take them to eat at a fun restaurant. These kids don't know better. They see a 25 foot chipanzee hanging from the roof of a building and instantly their 5 year old dicks get harder than a diamond in an ice storm.

Running this establishment should be illegal. It is miles worse than murder. At least when someone kills someone they work a little and maybe enjoy it. Rainforest cafe doesn't cause any enjoyment and at the end of your 6 week trek through a fucking fake jungle you would rather suck 20 bleeding dicks in a an alley and contract aids then spend one more minute around a bunch a porch monkeys.

If my children ever ask to go to Rainforest Cafe i swear to god im burning their treehouse down and saying "you know how you feel right now?" "Thats how I feel everytime you come up with an idea as dumb as that. So fuck off and no your not setting foot in that building. Ever."

Another dumb minority tries to sneak his way on a middle school sports team.

I am sure everyone remembers Danny Almonte or whatever that dumb mexicans name was that faked his age in the little league world series. That kid was at least striking bitches out. This 21 year old doucher named Julious Threatts made himself seem 13 to play for a middle school pee wee football team. What the fuck? Now I am sure everyone has read up to this point thinking "This kid is pathetic but im sure he had badass offers from colleges left and right. Wrong. This dumbass faked scholarship offers from USC, Florida, and Texas. I mean I know that once you turn 12 all black people are the same because they buy those damn tall tees so they never need to buy clothes again, but who is this hoodrat fooling.

His plan was actually smart at first. Which surprises me since everyone knows Obama hasn't had a good idea or plan along with every other minority on earth for god knows how long. He changed his name and got onto this pee wee squad. Everything was good, but then he tried to enroll in a middle school. Thats some Lawrence Taylor shit. Please don't try and tell me that him enrolling in school was just so he could reenforce his whole "13 year old" scam. Its clear this kid wanted to pound hairless 12 year old bitches. I feel for the guy, he struck out with girls for so long he came up with this genius plan to become 13 again and start over. I know the girls get sluttier and sluttier every year, but 12 year olds in Florida aren't blowing anybody, unless their those Cuban slampieces that swim their way to freedom.

Good try Julius, maybe next time you will just take that big dick we all know you have and put it to use with some girls that at least are 16.

I Hate Pau Gasol And All The Ugliness He Brings To The World

Listen, I am straight, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on other guys’ looks. But I am an expert on basketball and I am an expert on life. So when I say that Pau Gasol is the ugliest man on Earth, you know its just as true as the sky being blue, the grass being green, or Hat Guy looking like a pokeball after spring break. He HAS to know he’s ugly, right? Or maybe he doesn’t. Maybe in Spain, having matted hair, disgusting beards, and a face that looks like a scarecrow is attractive. Keep in mind women don’t shave their armpits in Spain either. Spain is just full of weird fucks. He’s probably normal over there. He’s lucky he wasn’t born as an ancient Greek, or his infant ass would’ve been the first baby rejected and thrown off the cliffs. Perhaps being ugly is just a part of Spain’s culture over there. Kind of like how in China they eat dog. Well listen up Pau, you’re in the USA now. Home of the free and land of good taste in people’s looks. The only women you see with unshaved armpits in the USA are the……….wait, nevermind, you DON’T SEE ANY. Yao Ming came over from China, and you don’t see him shoveling dog meat down his throat. You gotta adapt to the culture. When in Rome, do as Romans do. In America, do as we do or you will be sucking dick for a living, working in the lawn & garden section at Wal-Mart, just like those other “legal” immigrants who didn’t want to adapt to our culture. Pau needs to adapt to our culture and make a serious effort to stop being ugly. Anyone who says otherwise are communists. Because if I’ve said it once then I’ve said it a million times, I could take a huge shit right now, and half of the turds floating in the toilet would be better looking than this ugly Spaniard fuck.

Normally, it isn’t possible for teams with a player as ugly as Pau Gasol to win an NBA Championship. It just doesn’t happen. He is ugly to the point that it is detrimental to his basketball talent. It’s like when you hear about those studies on how better looking people succeed more in life. This is because better looking people are better at doing useful things. Ugly people are good at doing worthless things. That’s why good looking people are celebrities and ugly people play World of Warcraft. Its natural selection with a twist; we’ll call it social selection. Pau Gasol is the posterboy for this. He COULD’VE been good, but he chose to be ugly instead. You can’t do both. That’s why I was so shocked when the Lakers won it all. When the final buzzer sounded and I looked at the score, I literally spit out my coffee, and I wasn’t even drinking any. I guess every dog has his day, even if that dog happens to be Pau Gasol. By the way, if Pau Gasol was in fact a dog, he would be so ugly that the dog you see above would look like an American Kennel Club champion pure breed compared to Dog Pau.

As if being ugly just wasn’t enough for Pau, the way he plays basketball is even more sickening. And I don’t mean sickening as in “Mayne, check out dat crossova!!! He be makin all da otha niggas on da court look like sum mulley ass jamokes!! Dat balla iz ILL!!” I mean sickening as in I want to puke when I see him play. He is a typical European athlete. He flops all over the place and pretends to get hurt and whatnot so he can fool the referee into calling a foul. I swear one time when he was flopping especially dramatically, I saw up his shorts and got a great shot of his vagina. It looked as loose as the sleeve of a wizard’s robe. Watching Pau Gasol try and draw a foul is like watching old people fuck. I’d rather masturbate with sandpaper than watch him play basketball. He isn’t even playing basketball out there. Its fucking soccer. You wanna know why Americans aren’t interested in soccer? It’s because every 5 minutes of a soccer game a player will get kicked in the knee and then roll around on the ground holding his face or his elbow. It’s such bullshit. Can you imagine if a football player rolled around on the ground pretending to be hurt? They would immediately rip off his jersey and pads and hand him a cheerleading outfit and a tampon. But that is exactly what this ugly-ass European flopping cocksucker Pau Gasol plays like. I guarantee Pau Gasol does not have a wife. Because no amount of money could make up for his hideous looks and playing style. He couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse carrying a bag full of bananas. If my beloved hometown of Kansas City ever got an NBA franchise here and we acquired Pau Gasol in free agency, I would move to the arctic tundra and live the rest of my life as a blubber eating, ice fishing nomad, become one with the Eskimos, and get my ballsack transplanted onto my face, because I would STILL beat Pau Gasol in a beauty contest 183 times out of 100.



P.S. In the spirit of competition, I have put together the first annual NBA All-Ugly Team. If you don’t know who some of these players are, you can Google Image them, but you may need to turn off safesearch as Google may think that some pictures of these guys are so ugly that they are inappropriate for children:

Center: (ALSO UGLIEST/BIGGEST PUSSY) Pau Gasol – No brainer. Even has an ugly NAME. Pau? Is that Paul, but ugly version? Who knows. Lame joke. Fuck Spain.

Power Forward: Joakim Noah - Looks like a tall bearded lady. Also played at Florida,
Tim Tebow’s alma mater. Unlike Tebow, God didn’t like Joakim, so he made him look hideous.

Small Forward: Adam Morrison- OH MY GOD. WHERE IS CHRIS HANSON?!? SEXUAL PREDATOR ON THE LOOSE!!! But comon, man. I could grow a better mustache than this guy when I was in middle school. Seriously, I could. I hit puberty in like 1st grade.

Shooting Guard: Manu Ginobli- durka durka durka I have a massive bald spot durka durka durka

Point Guard: Steve Nash – Great player, love the guy. But he looks like a female burn victim.


P.P.S. What would a KC basketball team even be called? And how likely would it be that they went 0-82 for a few seasons?

51 year old goes for 15 year old?!?!

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Lawrence Taylor. Considered one of the best ever at what he does, he actually is in the Hall of Fame. And no I am not talking about sacking the shit out of pussy QBs. I am talking about raping girls that are more than 30 years younger than you. How lame is your life when your an NFL legend, and you have to go around hitting on girls that don't even have their drivers license. Dude I get it, your dick doesn't work very well anymore, and that is why your not getting even 30 year old ass. But god damn dude you actually tried to slay the hairless box of a 15 year old slampiece? There are a few things wrong with this whole approach. For one your not the most attractive guy Lawrence, I mean that beard is cool and all, but we all kind of got sick of it once Tom Hanks rocked it in Castaway. Two, your 50 years old. I am certainly not one to hate on old balls trying to get their dick sucked, but once you hit 50 if you don't own Playboy than your for sure not getting much ass. And three, I guarantee that Taylor tried to use the whole "I am a famous football player so we should head back to my place and go ass to mouth" approach. But this is a fucking 15 year old girl, she doesn't know who the fuck you are. With the combination of all three of these problems, this girl obviously said no, and Lawrence wasn't to happy about it. This resulted in an attempted rape of epic proportions. This guy made 300 pound offensive lineman his bitch, so i can't even fathom how this was only a rape attempt and not a successful rape. Makes you kind of question if he has just lost that swagger.

Get your shit together Lawrence, and next time don't try to go ass to mouth the first time.

Does This Look Like the Face of A Guy Who Would Punch You in the Face for Dancing With His Ex Girlfriend?

There are two types of people in this world. Those that behave like a normal human being, and then there are those that go around fighting people who dance with their ex girlfriends. Guess which one this guy is? Now, for his own sake of privacy, I am not going to announce that his real name is Alex Ward, so we'll just call him Psycho. Listen up Psycho. I know you're really sad that some girl that thinks you're insane wants to go out and have a good time without you, but that gives you no reason to bring it out on me. The worst part about this how much of a pussy you are. Psycho, if anyone else had punched me in the face 3 times in the exact same spot like you did, then i would have some damn broken facial bones or a concussion or something. Apparently your estrogen levels are so high that you hit me 3 times in the same spot with a closed fist and I end up walking out with a cut and a black eye. Comon, man. My bones are not even strong. I fucking hate milk. If someone had shot me with a NERF gun 3 times in the same spot i think it would've been more devastating than your fists of fury. So after you pay my medical bill and go to jail for your 3 counts of battery, come find me and we'll have a boxing match. Yeah, I have about 4 inches and 30 pounds on you, but don't worry: you have the element of surprise, judging by how you blindside people at the Hawk without warning and whatnot. We'll see how it ends up. Oh yeah, and try not to cry when the love of your life that hates you ends up cheering on my side of the ring.

My COMS 130 Assignment

So in the worst class you could possibly enroll in at KU (COMS 130), we had to do a "special speech." Not special as in Dylan Salisbury has special needs, but "special" as in it can be a rant about just about anything. I was pretty confined as far as content goes in order to keep things school appropriate, but just keep in mind that this was my speech. That I said word for word. In front of everyone.

P.S. The footnotes and underlines are there because we had to include certain figures of speech and whatnot so ignore them.

We’ve all been there before. You are rushing to be somewhere where of course your punctuality actually matters this time and of course you have waited until the last minute before leaving. You are racing down the streets at 10 miles per hour over the speed limit and then all of the sudden, the worst thing possible in the world happens[1]: you get stuck behind an elderly driver. I cannot describe how many times this has happened to me. I cannot describe how annoying it is when a dried up raisin driving a thirty five year old station wagon is going 20 miles per hour under the speed limit and you cannot pass them. I cannot describe[2] how badly I want to just rear-end them: sure my car would get some damage, but at least maybe they would go a little faster if they were just given a little “push.”

Go out on the road today and you will find all kinds of drivers: tall drivers, short drivers, fat drivers, thin drivers, mad drivers, tired drivers, happy drivers, experienced drivers, new drivers, teen drivers, taxi drivers, truck drivers, tiny drivers, timid drivers, tacky drivers, terrible drivers[3], man drivers, woman drivers, drunk drivers, blind drivers, paraplegic drivers, sleeping drivers[4] and more. But there is one driver that is worse than all other kinds, and that is the OLD DRIVER. It is pure torture driving behind an old driver. If I had the choice between driving behind an 80 year old lady in a no passing zone for 20 miles or being executed by the electric chair, I would ask, “where do you plug it in?” Now, most people probably wonder why these senior citizens drive as fast as a little kid on a tricycle.[5] Thankfully, after endless hours of thought and reasoning, I have concluded that senior citizens are mad at the world because they aren’t given enough social security, and because they are so weak and dusty they have become powerless, so they have decided to join together and drive really slowly, just to piss everyone off. They’ll stay in the left lane at all times, and they’ll have their blinker on all the time. I am certain this is done to create a false sense of hope for the frustrated driver behind them. “Maybe they’ll turn at this spot. Oh great. They didn’t. Oh, they’re going to turn at this one. Ahh, they didn’t do that either.” If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, a senior citizen’s primary goal is to ruin everyone else’s day, just because their days are fading away. As likely and accurate as that sounds, some crazy people may not agree with me. So I have also cooked up a second hypothesis. My second, and much less probable[6], hypothesis is that old people have lost their reflexes and reaction times and consequently choose to not drive as quickly for the sake of their own safety. Like I said, pure blasphemy. All of these elderly, and all other people in general, are wayyyy too worried about their well-being. Nobody, especially old folks, want to take a risk anymore. They all think that if you drop a cracker on the ground and then eat it, you are a disgusting being who is bound to get Chlamydia and die from eating it. Then there are the people who worry that diet cola drinks have an ingredient that could cause cancer if you consume it too much. Listen, our bodies were meant to adapt. We can drink excessive amounts of alcohol and be perfectly fine after a good hangover. We could drink an energy drink, loaded with God knows what kinds of crazy poisons and be fine. Listen, we could drink gasoline if we wanted to and be fine[7], if it weren’t so damn expensive. If I was a senior citizen, my health would be the last of my worries. I would be driving like a maniac! I don’t have much time left on Earth before I dissolve into the wind, so why not make the most of it? If you were a 95 year old, would you rather quietly and peacefully leave the world by dying of natural causes? I wouldn’t. I would be driving 40 over the speed limit and leave behind an 80 car pileup as I ascended into heaven. I don’t know why more old people don’t think like me.

Now, I am not just roasting elderly drivers for no reason. There is a serious reason to think about creating a driving age limit law. Just like there is a minimum driving age of 16, I feel there should also be a maximum driving age. Not only for their safety, but also for the safety of people around them. In 2003, an 83 year old man name George Weller lost control of his car and plowed through a Santa Monica market, killing ten people and injuring dozens. In 2005, a 99 year old woman drove THE WRONG WAY on an interstate highway in Wisconsin and ended up in a head on collision with a semi truck. She was killed and the truck driver was severely injured. Her license wasn’t up for renewal until 2006.[8] As much fun as it may be to poke fun of senior citizens and their lack of driving abilities, it is also a serious issue that the government should address. So the next time you are stuck behind a station wagon and you see a little white poof of hair peering over the dashboard, just know that they are a dangerous breed of human being and you should stay far, far away from these harmless-looking minions driving their metal deathtraps known as station wagons.

---

[1] Hyperbole

[2] Anaphora

[3] Alliteration

[4]Antistrophe

[5] Simile

[6] Irony

[7] Hyperbole

[8] http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Insurance/InsureYourCar/TooOldToDrive.aspx

Biggest Bitch in NBA History?

Lets clear something up here. I hate the Spurs. But then there is a completely different level of hatorade for Tim Duncan. If I could kill one person on earth right now it would be this arab looking, dune coon, son of a bitch. I am so sick of him arguing every call on earth. In Tim Duncan's fucked up world he thinks he has never commited a foul. I can't stand Duncan. His whiny attitude and stupid ass bank shots aren't even the beginning. If there is one person on earth that likes Duncan's tattoo I will go get that fucking thing tattooed on my damn forehead. You all know what I am talking about. That fucking joker shit. I am making myself more upset just blogging about this.

Shoutout to the Feaginator as he may be the only person on earth that hates this stiff more than me.

JIAFFL