Petition to ban Rainforest Cafe from poisoning my life any longer

Ok so I realize that fraterberry and I blog about alot of stupid shit and rant quite often. But seriously this may the most important post of all time. Rainforest Cafe is hands down the worst restaurant on planet earth. And probably second worst anywhere else in the galaxy. Heres a few reasons why.

For one the food blows dick. Not in the Jenna Jameson hot way, but in the Susan Boyle fucked up way. Don't know who Susan Boyle is? Google her. Shes the bitch that is in jail now for killing people on spot for seeing her. Cankles for miles. Anyways, the food is straight up awful. Who likes the food at Rainforest Cafe? Literally no one. You go their for the atmosphere, which I won't lie is promising at first. Until you taste the food and realize you might as well fly to the actual rainforest and eat frog shit because youll pay alot less for it and still get the same thing. 15 dollars for dinosaur shaped chicken fingers?I am not paying 15 dollars for chicken fingers unless their shaped like Jesus' dick and Mary Magadalenes tits.

Another thing that really pisses me off is that when a parent finally musters up the courage to enter into what she knows will be a horrible night at the Rainforest Cafe, it ends up during into a 24 hour affair. If you have claim you have entered this disgusting bomb shelter and left within a calender year then I will hit you in the nuts and abort all your children because thats bullshit. You know what? I want a fucking job at the Rainforest Cafe because I know I will get paid 8 bucks and hour to act like I am working. No one ever gets food on time. Never. The only reason this place is still in business is because retarded children bitch at their dumbass parents to take them to eat at a fun restaurant. These kids don't know better. They see a 25 foot chipanzee hanging from the roof of a building and instantly their 5 year old dicks get harder than a diamond in an ice storm.

Running this establishment should be illegal. It is miles worse than murder. At least when someone kills someone they work a little and maybe enjoy it. Rainforest cafe doesn't cause any enjoyment and at the end of your 6 week trek through a fucking fake jungle you would rather suck 20 bleeding dicks in a an alley and contract aids then spend one more minute around a bunch a porch monkeys.

If my children ever ask to go to Rainforest Cafe i swear to god im burning their treehouse down and saying "you know how you feel right now?" "Thats how I feel everytime you come up with an idea as dumb as that. So fuck off and no your not setting foot in that building. Ever."

Another dumb minority tries to sneak his way on a middle school sports team.

I am sure everyone remembers Danny Almonte or whatever that dumb mexicans name was that faked his age in the little league world series. That kid was at least striking bitches out. This 21 year old doucher named Julious Threatts made himself seem 13 to play for a middle school pee wee football team. What the fuck? Now I am sure everyone has read up to this point thinking "This kid is pathetic but im sure he had badass offers from colleges left and right. Wrong. This dumbass faked scholarship offers from USC, Florida, and Texas. I mean I know that once you turn 12 all black people are the same because they buy those damn tall tees so they never need to buy clothes again, but who is this hoodrat fooling.

His plan was actually smart at first. Which surprises me since everyone knows Obama hasn't had a good idea or plan along with every other minority on earth for god knows how long. He changed his name and got onto this pee wee squad. Everything was good, but then he tried to enroll in a middle school. Thats some Lawrence Taylor shit. Please don't try and tell me that him enrolling in school was just so he could reenforce his whole "13 year old" scam. Its clear this kid wanted to pound hairless 12 year old bitches. I feel for the guy, he struck out with girls for so long he came up with this genius plan to become 13 again and start over. I know the girls get sluttier and sluttier every year, but 12 year olds in Florida aren't blowing anybody, unless their those Cuban slampieces that swim their way to freedom.

Good try Julius, maybe next time you will just take that big dick we all know you have and put it to use with some girls that at least are 16.

I Hate Pau Gasol And All The Ugliness He Brings To The World

Listen, I am straight, so I don’t pretend to be an expert on other guys’ looks. But I am an expert on basketball and I am an expert on life. So when I say that Pau Gasol is the ugliest man on Earth, you know its just as true as the sky being blue, the grass being green, or Hat Guy looking like a pokeball after spring break. He HAS to know he’s ugly, right? Or maybe he doesn’t. Maybe in Spain, having matted hair, disgusting beards, and a face that looks like a scarecrow is attractive. Keep in mind women don’t shave their armpits in Spain either. Spain is just full of weird fucks. He’s probably normal over there. He’s lucky he wasn’t born as an ancient Greek, or his infant ass would’ve been the first baby rejected and thrown off the cliffs. Perhaps being ugly is just a part of Spain’s culture over there. Kind of like how in China they eat dog. Well listen up Pau, you’re in the USA now. Home of the free and land of good taste in people’s looks. The only women you see with unshaved armpits in the USA are the……….wait, nevermind, you DON’T SEE ANY. Yao Ming came over from China, and you don’t see him shoveling dog meat down his throat. You gotta adapt to the culture. When in Rome, do as Romans do. In America, do as we do or you will be sucking dick for a living, working in the lawn & garden section at Wal-Mart, just like those other “legal” immigrants who didn’t want to adapt to our culture. Pau needs to adapt to our culture and make a serious effort to stop being ugly. Anyone who says otherwise are communists. Because if I’ve said it once then I’ve said it a million times, I could take a huge shit right now, and half of the turds floating in the toilet would be better looking than this ugly Spaniard fuck.

Normally, it isn’t possible for teams with a player as ugly as Pau Gasol to win an NBA Championship. It just doesn’t happen. He is ugly to the point that it is detrimental to his basketball talent. It’s like when you hear about those studies on how better looking people succeed more in life. This is because better looking people are better at doing useful things. Ugly people are good at doing worthless things. That’s why good looking people are celebrities and ugly people play World of Warcraft. Its natural selection with a twist; we’ll call it social selection. Pau Gasol is the posterboy for this. He COULD’VE been good, but he chose to be ugly instead. You can’t do both. That’s why I was so shocked when the Lakers won it all. When the final buzzer sounded and I looked at the score, I literally spit out my coffee, and I wasn’t even drinking any. I guess every dog has his day, even if that dog happens to be Pau Gasol. By the way, if Pau Gasol was in fact a dog, he would be so ugly that the dog you see above would look like an American Kennel Club champion pure breed compared to Dog Pau.

As if being ugly just wasn’t enough for Pau, the way he plays basketball is even more sickening. And I don’t mean sickening as in “Mayne, check out dat crossova!!! He be makin all da otha niggas on da court look like sum mulley ass jamokes!! Dat balla iz ILL!!” I mean sickening as in I want to puke when I see him play. He is a typical European athlete. He flops all over the place and pretends to get hurt and whatnot so he can fool the referee into calling a foul. I swear one time when he was flopping especially dramatically, I saw up his shorts and got a great shot of his vagina. It looked as loose as the sleeve of a wizard’s robe. Watching Pau Gasol try and draw a foul is like watching old people fuck. I’d rather masturbate with sandpaper than watch him play basketball. He isn’t even playing basketball out there. Its fucking soccer. You wanna know why Americans aren’t interested in soccer? It’s because every 5 minutes of a soccer game a player will get kicked in the knee and then roll around on the ground holding his face or his elbow. It’s such bullshit. Can you imagine if a football player rolled around on the ground pretending to be hurt? They would immediately rip off his jersey and pads and hand him a cheerleading outfit and a tampon. But that is exactly what this ugly-ass European flopping cocksucker Pau Gasol plays like. I guarantee Pau Gasol does not have a wife. Because no amount of money could make up for his hideous looks and playing style. He couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse carrying a bag full of bananas. If my beloved hometown of Kansas City ever got an NBA franchise here and we acquired Pau Gasol in free agency, I would move to the arctic tundra and live the rest of my life as a blubber eating, ice fishing nomad, become one with the Eskimos, and get my ballsack transplanted onto my face, because I would STILL beat Pau Gasol in a beauty contest 183 times out of 100.



P.S. In the spirit of competition, I have put together the first annual NBA All-Ugly Team. If you don’t know who some of these players are, you can Google Image them, but you may need to turn off safesearch as Google may think that some pictures of these guys are so ugly that they are inappropriate for children:

Center: (ALSO UGLIEST/BIGGEST PUSSY) Pau Gasol – No brainer. Even has an ugly NAME. Pau? Is that Paul, but ugly version? Who knows. Lame joke. Fuck Spain.

Power Forward: Joakim Noah - Looks like a tall bearded lady. Also played at Florida,
Tim Tebow’s alma mater. Unlike Tebow, God didn’t like Joakim, so he made him look hideous.

Small Forward: Adam Morrison- OH MY GOD. WHERE IS CHRIS HANSON?!? SEXUAL PREDATOR ON THE LOOSE!!! But comon, man. I could grow a better mustache than this guy when I was in middle school. Seriously, I could. I hit puberty in like 1st grade.

Shooting Guard: Manu Ginobli- durka durka durka I have a massive bald spot durka durka durka

Point Guard: Steve Nash – Great player, love the guy. But he looks like a female burn victim.


P.P.S. What would a KC basketball team even be called? And how likely would it be that they went 0-82 for a few seasons?

51 year old goes for 15 year old?!?!

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Lawrence Taylor. Considered one of the best ever at what he does, he actually is in the Hall of Fame. And no I am not talking about sacking the shit out of pussy QBs. I am talking about raping girls that are more than 30 years younger than you. How lame is your life when your an NFL legend, and you have to go around hitting on girls that don't even have their drivers license. Dude I get it, your dick doesn't work very well anymore, and that is why your not getting even 30 year old ass. But god damn dude you actually tried to slay the hairless box of a 15 year old slampiece? There are a few things wrong with this whole approach. For one your not the most attractive guy Lawrence, I mean that beard is cool and all, but we all kind of got sick of it once Tom Hanks rocked it in Castaway. Two, your 50 years old. I am certainly not one to hate on old balls trying to get their dick sucked, but once you hit 50 if you don't own Playboy than your for sure not getting much ass. And three, I guarantee that Taylor tried to use the whole "I am a famous football player so we should head back to my place and go ass to mouth" approach. But this is a fucking 15 year old girl, she doesn't know who the fuck you are. With the combination of all three of these problems, this girl obviously said no, and Lawrence wasn't to happy about it. This resulted in an attempted rape of epic proportions. This guy made 300 pound offensive lineman his bitch, so i can't even fathom how this was only a rape attempt and not a successful rape. Makes you kind of question if he has just lost that swagger.

Get your shit together Lawrence, and next time don't try to go ass to mouth the first time.

Does This Look Like the Face of A Guy Who Would Punch You in the Face for Dancing With His Ex Girlfriend?

There are two types of people in this world. Those that behave like a normal human being, and then there are those that go around fighting people who dance with their ex girlfriends. Guess which one this guy is? Now, for his own sake of privacy, I am not going to announce that his real name is Alex Ward, so we'll just call him Psycho. Listen up Psycho. I know you're really sad that some girl that thinks you're insane wants to go out and have a good time without you, but that gives you no reason to bring it out on me. The worst part about this how much of a pussy you are. Psycho, if anyone else had punched me in the face 3 times in the exact same spot like you did, then i would have some damn broken facial bones or a concussion or something. Apparently your estrogen levels are so high that you hit me 3 times in the same spot with a closed fist and I end up walking out with a cut and a black eye. Comon, man. My bones are not even strong. I fucking hate milk. If someone had shot me with a NERF gun 3 times in the same spot i think it would've been more devastating than your fists of fury. So after you pay my medical bill and go to jail for your 3 counts of battery, come find me and we'll have a boxing match. Yeah, I have about 4 inches and 30 pounds on you, but don't worry: you have the element of surprise, judging by how you blindside people at the Hawk without warning and whatnot. We'll see how it ends up. Oh yeah, and try not to cry when the love of your life that hates you ends up cheering on my side of the ring.

My COMS 130 Assignment

So in the worst class you could possibly enroll in at KU (COMS 130), we had to do a "special speech." Not special as in Dylan Salisbury has special needs, but "special" as in it can be a rant about just about anything. I was pretty confined as far as content goes in order to keep things school appropriate, but just keep in mind that this was my speech. That I said word for word. In front of everyone.

P.S. The footnotes and underlines are there because we had to include certain figures of speech and whatnot so ignore them.

We’ve all been there before. You are rushing to be somewhere where of course your punctuality actually matters this time and of course you have waited until the last minute before leaving. You are racing down the streets at 10 miles per hour over the speed limit and then all of the sudden, the worst thing possible in the world happens[1]: you get stuck behind an elderly driver. I cannot describe how many times this has happened to me. I cannot describe how annoying it is when a dried up raisin driving a thirty five year old station wagon is going 20 miles per hour under the speed limit and you cannot pass them. I cannot describe[2] how badly I want to just rear-end them: sure my car would get some damage, but at least maybe they would go a little faster if they were just given a little “push.”

Go out on the road today and you will find all kinds of drivers: tall drivers, short drivers, fat drivers, thin drivers, mad drivers, tired drivers, happy drivers, experienced drivers, new drivers, teen drivers, taxi drivers, truck drivers, tiny drivers, timid drivers, tacky drivers, terrible drivers[3], man drivers, woman drivers, drunk drivers, blind drivers, paraplegic drivers, sleeping drivers[4] and more. But there is one driver that is worse than all other kinds, and that is the OLD DRIVER. It is pure torture driving behind an old driver. If I had the choice between driving behind an 80 year old lady in a no passing zone for 20 miles or being executed by the electric chair, I would ask, “where do you plug it in?” Now, most people probably wonder why these senior citizens drive as fast as a little kid on a tricycle.[5] Thankfully, after endless hours of thought and reasoning, I have concluded that senior citizens are mad at the world because they aren’t given enough social security, and because they are so weak and dusty they have become powerless, so they have decided to join together and drive really slowly, just to piss everyone off. They’ll stay in the left lane at all times, and they’ll have their blinker on all the time. I am certain this is done to create a false sense of hope for the frustrated driver behind them. “Maybe they’ll turn at this spot. Oh great. They didn’t. Oh, they’re going to turn at this one. Ahh, they didn’t do that either.” If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, a senior citizen’s primary goal is to ruin everyone else’s day, just because their days are fading away. As likely and accurate as that sounds, some crazy people may not agree with me. So I have also cooked up a second hypothesis. My second, and much less probable[6], hypothesis is that old people have lost their reflexes and reaction times and consequently choose to not drive as quickly for the sake of their own safety. Like I said, pure blasphemy. All of these elderly, and all other people in general, are wayyyy too worried about their well-being. Nobody, especially old folks, want to take a risk anymore. They all think that if you drop a cracker on the ground and then eat it, you are a disgusting being who is bound to get Chlamydia and die from eating it. Then there are the people who worry that diet cola drinks have an ingredient that could cause cancer if you consume it too much. Listen, our bodies were meant to adapt. We can drink excessive amounts of alcohol and be perfectly fine after a good hangover. We could drink an energy drink, loaded with God knows what kinds of crazy poisons and be fine. Listen, we could drink gasoline if we wanted to and be fine[7], if it weren’t so damn expensive. If I was a senior citizen, my health would be the last of my worries. I would be driving like a maniac! I don’t have much time left on Earth before I dissolve into the wind, so why not make the most of it? If you were a 95 year old, would you rather quietly and peacefully leave the world by dying of natural causes? I wouldn’t. I would be driving 40 over the speed limit and leave behind an 80 car pileup as I ascended into heaven. I don’t know why more old people don’t think like me.

Now, I am not just roasting elderly drivers for no reason. There is a serious reason to think about creating a driving age limit law. Just like there is a minimum driving age of 16, I feel there should also be a maximum driving age. Not only for their safety, but also for the safety of people around them. In 2003, an 83 year old man name George Weller lost control of his car and plowed through a Santa Monica market, killing ten people and injuring dozens. In 2005, a 99 year old woman drove THE WRONG WAY on an interstate highway in Wisconsin and ended up in a head on collision with a semi truck. She was killed and the truck driver was severely injured. Her license wasn’t up for renewal until 2006.[8] As much fun as it may be to poke fun of senior citizens and their lack of driving abilities, it is also a serious issue that the government should address. So the next time you are stuck behind a station wagon and you see a little white poof of hair peering over the dashboard, just know that they are a dangerous breed of human being and you should stay far, far away from these harmless-looking minions driving their metal deathtraps known as station wagons.

---

[1] Hyperbole

[2] Anaphora

[3] Alliteration

[4]Antistrophe

[5] Simile

[6] Irony

[7] Hyperbole

[8] http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/Insurance/InsureYourCar/TooOldToDrive.aspx

Biggest Bitch in NBA History?

Lets clear something up here. I hate the Spurs. But then there is a completely different level of hatorade for Tim Duncan. If I could kill one person on earth right now it would be this arab looking, dune coon, son of a bitch. I am so sick of him arguing every call on earth. In Tim Duncan's fucked up world he thinks he has never commited a foul. I can't stand Duncan. His whiny attitude and stupid ass bank shots aren't even the beginning. If there is one person on earth that likes Duncan's tattoo I will go get that fucking thing tattooed on my damn forehead. You all know what I am talking about. That fucking joker shit. I am making myself more upset just blogging about this.

Shoutout to the Feaginator as he may be the only person on earth that hates this stiff more than me.

JIAFFL

The Reign Ends!!!

Ladies and Gentleman the King is Dead! Finally Roger Goodell did something useful with his time and is going to suspend the one and only Ben Roethlisberger. Unless you have pulled a Pancakes and have been sleeping the last decade, you've heard of Ben's multiple charges of sexual assault to younger women. Now lets get something straight. If Ben wants to party hard with younger slampieces, I have absolutely nothing wrong with it. But dude your Ben Roethliesberger, you can fuck any girl in the entire state of Pennsylvania. Granted that their are only like 5 of them, but still, what the hell are you doing raping chicks.

Secondly if your planning to get a rape in, at least don't do it twice. In no way am I condoning Ben's actions. But what idiot gets caught once and then does it again. Thats like if I fell asleep outside a bar, got a fake id charge, and then went out the next weekend. Pure idiocracy. Ben needs to get his head on straight and learn to "Drink like a Champion", just like his shirt claims.

BS4L

FUCK NCAA FOOTBALL

So I just found out today that the NCAA isn't allowing athletes to write cool shit in their eye black. What the fuck is that shit. Like honestly the only reason I watch college football games is to see the eye black. How else am I supposed to find out where Reggie Bush is from, or what bullshit bible verse Tim Tebow is living by this week. No lie, if I were a deece running back from some D-1 school I would take a shit all over this rule and write "I fuck bitches all day" in my eye black. Or how about "Tiger Woods is a bro god". I would do something that would piss off not just the NCAA but everyone on earth. This rule is as pointless as if they made a rule saying you can't dump gatorade on the coach. Words on the eye black is as historic as the game itself and I will be damned if this rule isn't completely abolished within the first ten minutes of game play come September.

A Typical Fratteberry Facebook Chat Session

Thanks to Mary for being the coolest FB chatter in the history of mankind (besides me of course)

Scott

sup

9:07pm

Mary

hey homie

whatcha doin

9:07pm

Scott

studying for math

wbu

9:08pm

Mary

workin on a speech

9:08pm

Scott

that sucks

whats it about\

9:08pm

Mary

persuasive speech

about als disease

9:08pm

Scott

nice

9:08pm

Mary

yepp hows ku goin

9:08pmScott

pretty good

weather finally got nice about 2 or 3 weeks ago

hows TX

9:09pm

Mary

yeah thats what i heard

tx is awesome

9:09pm

Scott

YEHA!?!

9:09pm

Mary

sad i have to leave it soon

9:09pmScott

yeah that sucks

9:09pm

Mary

buuut ill get to see all you lovely people

9:09pm

Scott

but then you get to come home

yes

us lovely ones

lovely like me

9:09pm

Mary

mhmm

yess

whoa dude scott just checked your profile

you have a gf!??

9:10pm

Scott

haha no

shes my friend

9:10pm

Mary

who is alexa

yeahh sure

9:10pmScott

haha

she is

9:10pm

Mary

"friend"

fuck friend?

shower friend?

9:10pm

Scott

lol

9:11pm

Mary

hj friend?

9:11pmScott

no thats u

9:11pm

Mary

ah ok how come yall are in a fb relationship

yeah true im your hj friend

hjf4L

9:11pm

Scott

idk we just are?

9:11pm

Mary

youre lying

9:11pm

Scott

haha no im not

9:27pm

Mary

so alexas really just a friend? haha

9:27pm

Scott

yes lol

9:28pm

Mary

hah ok i believe you

9:28pm

Scott

people say were the exact same

9:28pm

Mary

hah thats funny

idk its not very fun to date yourself

9:29pm

Scott

uhh itd be pretty fun to date myself i think

9:29pm

Mary

hahhaha

narcissist

9:29pm

Scott

especially if it was just an exact copy of me but with a vag

9:29pm

Mary

bet you get off just thinking about that

9:30pm

Scott

yeah im cleaning up right now bc i just thought of it

9:30pm

Mary

ya get that sock out

9:30pm

Scott

all i have is a paper towel SHIT

not very absorbant

9:30pm

Mary

go grab one of tys socks

9:30pm

Scott

thats just brutal

but has been done before

not to ty though

9:31pm

Mary

i give you permission

well thats good for him i guess

9:31pm

Scott

idk it depends on how u look at it

9:31pm

Mary

guess so

idk tys are probably all used up anyways

so id go for the paper towel

9:32pm

Scott

haaha

9:33pm

Scott

yeah all the anal with ty is just killing me

9:33pm

Mary

yeah you have to build up a tolerance

just like alcohol

9:33pm

Scott

or an extra layer of skin

9:33pm

Mary

that too

eventually youre so callused it doesnt matter

9:34pm

Scott

yeah but i dont want my dick to be just scar tissure

tissue

9:34pm

Mary

idk itll be harder that way..

9:35pm

Scott

yeah thats one way to look at it

9:41pm
Scott

that situation just inspired me

lets play some would you rathers

9:41pm

Mary

YES i love this game

9:42pm

Scott

would you rather have sex with kempin or hang out with JM in a room for 24 hours

9:42pm

Mary

omg

umm

jm

9:42pm

Scott

wow

ur turn

9:42pm

Mary

i hate kempin

9:43pm

Scott

think of one

9:43pm

Mary

umm would you rather.. makeout with dylan or jm

9:43pm

Scott

hahaa

i would have sex with dylan before i hugged jm

9:44pm

Mary

hahahah

damn thats strong passion

9:44pm

Scott

would you rather use a can of pepsi as a dildo or hook up with jm

9:45pmMary

pepsi

hands down

9:45pm

Scott

haha

you probly do that anyway what was i thinking

9:45pm

Mary

yeah you know me

got nothin better to do in tx

pepsi is so available

would you rather blow setter or fuck an AGD

9:46pm

Scott

fuck an agd

there could be a diamond in the rough

9:46pm

Mary

good point

but what if they were all caroline godfreys

9:47pm

Scott

uhh

uhh

are paper bags available?

or blindfolds for me?

9:48pm

Mary

nope

9:48pm

Scott

eff

9:48pm

Mary

grass is lookin greener on the setter side at this point

9:48pm

Scott

idk maybe if i had a deece whiskey orange soda

9:49pm

Mary

fair enough

9:49pm

Scott

would you rather shove a pinapple up your vag or piss out a grape

9:50pm

Mary

hahaha

how do you think of this shit scott

9:50pm

Scott

i only think of what ive already experience

d

9:50pm

Mary

hahahha

9:50pm

Scott

i neeed a verdict

9:51pm

Mary

i think id have to go with the grape

bc after you've fucked a pineapple

sex would be impossible with any human being

even the black ones

9:52pm

Scott

hmm

sorta like birth

9:52pm

Mary

yeah but they sew you up after that

what am i gonnna do

plus pineapples are prickly

not pretty

9:53pm

Scott

so is shaved pubes

9:53pm

Mary

hahahha

thats why you get it laser removed

9:54pm

Scott

is that what youve done?

9:54pm

Mary

hah not yet but i am going to

9:54pm

Scott

can i be the laser guy?

9:54pm

Mary

hahahha

im sure youd do a really great job

9:55pm

Scott

then u can give me a dece hj as payment

9:55pm

Mary

there yah go

9:55pm

Scott

perfect

9:55pm

Mary

seems fair to me

9:55pm

Scott

i know what to major in now

9:55pm

Mary

hah yeah you better get certified

if you want to get paid in hjs in the near future

9:56pm

Scott

is that like reverse prostitution>?

idk

9:56pm

Mary

yes! exactly like that

nice description

9:56pm

Scott

ill be here all day thanks

9:57pm

Mary

nice work

hjs are great payment it should be legal

9:58pm

Scott

i agree

9:58pm

Mary

although some guys hate them

9:58pm

Scott

well they kind of suck

9:58pm

Mary

hahahah

well you can do it yourself

9:58pm

Scott

yeah

exactly

9:58pm

Mary

so its basically just when the girl wont give you head

but head is so slutty

9:58pm

Scott

omg i know i cant stand sluts

9:59pm

Mary

hahahh

you guys like them

but you wouldnt want to date a girl who gave head to tons of guys

9:59pm

Scott

hell no

9:59pm

Mary

i could never give head to some guy i was hooking up with id feel dirty as hell

10:00pm

Scott

yeah i dont think i could ever give head to a guy either

10:00pm

Mary

hahaha

10:00pm

Scott

i have to shit

but im taking the comp with me

10:00pm

Mary

hahahh omg scott youre ridiculous

10:01pm

Scott

what

10:01pm

Mary

haha bet you look cool in the stall with your computer

10:01pm

Scott

yeah people always think im looking at porn or somehting

10:01pm

Mary

glad to know im so important to you that you cant leave your computer

hahaha

you probably are

CLOWN PORN

10:02pm

Scott

no i dont actually

10:02pm

Mary

ty never let me watch it with you

10:02pm

Scott

hahahahahaha

goddammit

10:02pm

Mary

hes mean

i wanted to watch the clown porn

10:02pm

Scott

we will over the summer

10:02pm

Mary

we have to

10:02pm

Scott

yeah

10:02pm

Mary

when tys gone

bc he'll get mad

10:02pm

Scott

oh please

10:03pm

Mary

hes probably just afraid that he wont match up to the skills of the clown

10:03pm

Scott

yeah thats it

but seriously i bring my computer to the toilet because i get bored

like as entertaining as hearing shit hit water is i dont think its enough

10:04pm

Mary

hahah that sounds really fun

i mean who wouldnt have a great time doing that

10:04pm

Scott

bingo

10:04pm

Mary

what if jms in there

youwont want to stay long

10:05pm

Scott

oo

theres a curveball

10:05pm

Mary

whatchu gonna do now

shit outta luck

10:06pm

Scott

nice pun

10:06pm

Mary

thanks

it was intentional

10:06pm

Scott

im gonna wipe real quck hold on

10:06pm

Mary

thanks for letting me know

10:07pm

Scott

anytime

im gonna end this conversation unfortunately for you

i gotta start studying

10:07pm

Mary

im crying now

10:08pm

Scott

we'll make it up with a hj sesh

10:08pm

Mary

thank god

that makes me feel better

nothin cheers me up like a good hj

10:08pm

Scott

it makes me feel more better trust me

10:08pm

Mary

ok good

10:08pm

Scott

ok bye

10:09pm

Mary

well enjoy the pursuit of your education scotty

10:09pm

Scott

yessir

10:09pm

Mary

im sure you will be very productive

10:09pm

Scott

duhh

10:09pm

Mary

aight adioss

10:09pm

Scott

cya

The Dirty.com

Let me introduce everyone to the greatest website in the world besides the one you are currently reading. Thedirty.com is God's gift to people looking to slay deece slampieces like the hot bitch above. It literally is a compilation of sluts and douchebags at various universities across the nation. I mean how awesome is it that one persons reputation can be completely destroyed in a matter of seconds because some disgruntled ex boyfriend posts some nudies that she sent him and then makes up some story about her having a 30 man interracial gangbang. This is my kind of website. Along with getting a good glossary of whores, for fun you can skim through the various "hat guy" type douches that are on earth. I found multiple guys that almost are as good as the infamous hat guy. Some of the tools that roam this earth surprise me because I thought I had seen everything. I want to meet every guy on this website and shake his hand, followed by a quick punch to the nuts so he realizes popped collars have never and will never be cool.

If this website isn't huge at KU in the next ten minutes I am throwing a fit because thedirty.com should be in every fratstars bookmarked websites. Lets unite and help other bros slay some sluts.

Good Luck Boys!

Grammy Nomination!!!!!!

I have found the single greatest hit ever produced. The name of this Grammy nomination is 143 by Bobby Brackins and Ray J. If you listen to this song and say it isnt instantly your favorite jam of all time then you are clueless. The meaning of 143 is I Love You, hence one letter I 4 letters in Love and 3 letters in you. Now you know the single greatest song, here is the greatest verse in music history, "Poppin in cities I aint heard of, let me see your titties, baby pull that shirt up, lift that skirt up got buns like a burger, do the most not the minimum you not a wage worker." These guys need the Grammy for best hit single right now, they shouldnt even have to wait for the Grammys to roll around.

If you live in the dorms I'm sorry

This is meant to be more of a public service announcement than a blog, the image above posted is that of Naismith Hall at the University of Kansas. As you can see this is the typical shanty seen in such countries as Vietnam and Cuba. Now if your a girl that lives here and is in a sorority I apologize that you didn't have enough time to join Corbin or GSP. But if your a guy living here, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?? Living in the dorms is like living in a maximum security prison. You don't socialize, you eat shitty food, and no one ever visits you. Not to mention its clear that the uniform your forced to wear is a flatbill and an affliction or Ed Hardy shirt. These people need saving so donations will now be taken to give these poor souls common sense and help them get a decent wardrobe and a life coach that can bring them back to a respectable human being.

Tiger Returns to the Masters

Tiger is returning to the Masters this week as most of you know since its on every channel constantly. They are acting like some child prodigy is debuting at the Masters and it is the greatest thing that ever happened in sports history. The fact of the matter is that NO its just Tiger Woods, the greatest golfer ever is coming back from his break from women. I mean I know his physical fitness is still there apparently since hes cheated on his wife 80 times, so what is the big deal? He is still the same golfer, and is still going to win. I mean look at that guys smile, can you blame girls for getting him to cheat on his wife? How does a guy like Tiger go under the radar so long getting hotel rooms and such with girls? He must have had some undercover FBI agent working for him and letting him know when no person is in sight and its clear to go out of the house.I recovered one of the texts that Tiger sent to his slampiece it reads, "Have you ever had a golden shower done to you? ... just morbid curiosity." How can you blame a guy for trying to get a little golden shower in with on of his whores? The real question is the number of fans that are going to scream out completely absurd things to him while hes playing. To go to the Masters which is the best tournament in golf, it costs what like $20? Half of the guys there live for that shit and havent seen a girl in months because they are either on the course or sitting in the clubhouse pounding brews back with their butt buddies. My bet is there will be some smartass fan with a shirt on that has some remarks about his mistakes. Like dude, Im pretty sure he hasnt forgotten about what he did in the past and you probably shouldnt remind him because hes still your God. If anyone is willing to bet me that Tiger will not make the cut at the Masters, I will take it in a heartbeat.

Contest to find a worse state than Oklahoma!!!

Let's get one thing straight right here and right now. No state is even close to how shitty Oklahoma is. There is no debate. If you have ever made this treacherous drive through what someone people have the nerve to call a state, than you know that Oklahoma straight up blows. I mean Obama goes and talks about changing healthcare and all that shit that doesn't even matter. When what he really needs to do is evacuate Oklahoma and turn it into a god damn nuclear weapons testing site. Driving through this state you almost get the feeling that the Oklahoma State Senate planned on redoing all these roads, than out of nowhere just stopped. Everything was called to a halt, but yet none of the roadblocks or machinery was ever moved. I mean if your going to start a massive overhaul of shitty dirt roads, at least have the nerve to move your signs and bulldozers.

I mean look at the damn kid in the picture, I have a strong feeling he's not only crying because his team lost, but that along with all those other Sooners, he realized that football was all they had, and now they can't even win that. The entire damn state is Indians anyways, we might as well give it to them.

Is there a more unrealistic movie than this?

Ok so I have been doing some research on movies lately and I saw the previews to this piece of shit idea for a movie. This honestly cannot be serious right? Some girl thats wicked hot goes for one of the dweebiest kids on planet earth? I mean this shit can happen at a bar, but thats purely for one night stands. Any guy can get a girl drunk and take advantage of her. But there is no one that can keep a girl drunk 24/7. Thats the only way this can happen. This douche must have some love drug that can keep a girl blackout drunk all day everyday. I want one of those, in fact get me two. You can never have two many deece slampieces that our out of your league.

If he doesn't have some miracle drug, he must have hat guy syndrome. Thats literally the only other way. If he has a 12 foot dick than yes this is possible, but by the looks of this guy I am not buying it.

P.S I just realized that I posted this when I was hammered the other day which is why everything is misspelled

Much Love

What is the NCAA thinking?

So today has been a typical sit inside and watch ESPN until my eyes fall out day, and I have heard some troubling news. The NCAA has been thinking about expanding the greatest three weeks of sports into 96 teams instead of 64. This is probably the worst idea anyone has ever had. Literally ever. Sure we would see some upsets, but lets get serious here, if a 16 seed has never beaten a 1 seed, how is a 24 seed or whatever the hell it is going to beat a 1 seed? The last thing I want to do is spend the first two days watching to Banana Slugs from University of California Santa Cruz get absolutely shit on by Villanova or some other powerhouse. If the whole 96 team shit happens than UNC would've made the tourny this year and got raped so bad Roy Williams would crawl back into the shithole Chapel Hill and cry himself to sleep until Tyler Hansborough comes to rescue, pulls a Jason White, and plays 30 more seasons.

The only good thing that can come out of 96 teams making the tournament is when fraterberry, lounge, and I create our own college and make the tourny. I will dunk on a mother fucker, especially if its a scrub from some school like UCSC.

HoW AnnOYiNg iS iT tO tYPe iN EbONicS?

The Question of the Day: Do you want to commit suicide when you read a facebook post, or status that is typed in either ebonics or alternating uppercase and lowercase?





Does it really take that much more time to make your sentences sound educated, or would you rather just sit on your computer and see what comes out. It makes no sense to me how in any way it pleases you to type like you have the education of a 1st grader. Here is a perfect example of a status that drives me insane, "jus gived muhselfz a noze bleedz!!!!@~". I am confused by this, does that mean you gave yourself a nose bleed by bashing your face against the keyboard to type your english essay 5 minutes earlier? Or does it mean you are so uneducated that you walked down the street in incoming traffic because you couldnt read the street signs? Abbreviations and new spelling for your word choice is probably the highlight of your day, not to mention definantly the most challenging. Next time I see anything of this sort pop up in my news feed, I am getting their address and sending them Hooked on Phonics.

Im sure now that I pointed this out, if you ever see either of these again on facebook or anywhere else then your day will be ruined. To end this blog, I would like to add my all-time favorite facebook post to the end of it. This was posted a few weeks ago, but I have recovered it.

"marquief be goal tendin? das just as fucked up as kfc be servin kentucky grilled chicken! dis be kfc, i ain't see no kgc! get outta here!"- The genius herself

I Despise Fast Food Commercials

Have you ever seen this stupid Taco Bell commercial where the customer asks for Denise The Cashier that he thinks is giving him a special discount? That is seriously the creepiest thing I have ever seen. If I worked at Taco Bell and some sketchy douchebag 35 year old specifically asked for my 22 year old female co-worker, I would be so certain they banged every night that I would ask him how the blowjobs were. Right in front of the register. I would just ask him after his order. "So you'll have a Triple Layer Nacho and a Crunchwrap Supreme? Ok great. By the way, does Denise give good head? I've been trying to make a move on her for a while and I'm wondering whether its worth it."

Besides wondering how good Denise's blowjobs are, another thing on my mind is where the hell all these fast food restraunts are that have these good looking employees. Every single McDonald's Subway, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell commercial always has some deece slampiece worthy female working the register and cooking the food. Who do these idiot advertisers think they are fooling? I'm at fucking McDonald's, not Hooters. The typical McDonalds employee looks more like this:
I feel like it is false advertising when I see some babe working the register in one of those commercials. Either that or these restraunts with these deece Bettys are far, far away from where I live. Oh well. I'm hungry. I'm gonna go to the nearest Taco Bell and ask the cashier if I can have the best looking female employee take my order and see if they don't get creeped the fuck out.